People sometimes ask why in Judaism we commemorate the life of someone by recalling the day that per-son died, their yahrzeit. Why don’t we recall their birthday instead? Indeed, the Book of Ecclesiastes tells us, “The day of one’s death is better than the day of one’s birth.” The rabbis of long ago explained all this with a parable. Two ships were in a port. Both were laden with merchandise. But one was coming in, while the other was going out. A stranger noticed that the townspeople cheered the ship that was coming in, but not the one that was going out. When he asked about this behavior, he was told, “We are praising the incoming ship because we know that it departed its destination in peace and arrived here in peace. But what the future will be for the other ship, we do not know.” So it is, the rabbis continued, with a person: we don’t know the nature of her future deeds. But when she leaves this world, we know the nature of her deeds.
This month, we read the Torah portion Vay’chi. It tells the story of the deaths of Jacob and of Joseph. Yet, the name of the Torah portion means, “He [that is, Jacob] lived.” It is at their deaths that we celebrate their lives.
In Jewish tradition, it is praiseworthy to recall our loved ones by giving tzedakah in their memory (for, the Bible tells us, tzedakah saves from death). It is also praiseworthy to say Kaddish for them. In some circumstances, it was permissible for someone else to say Kaddish on our behalf, but that has long been frowned on, because it is really our own obligation.
In many congregations, including ours, it was the tradition to have the rabbi read the names of those for whom Kaddish was being said. However, those congregations, and again we are included among them, have found that often there are no family members present to say Kaddish. In those cases, the reading of names can feel empty to worshipers.
The Religious Activities Committee has been looking at Kaddish practices in our synagogue. As you will recall, it decided that our Yom Kippur Yizkor services would create a greater sense of spirituality if we read only the names of loved ones who had died over the past year rather than all the names of loved ones whom we were remembering. The Committee has similarly thought that a change needs to be made in the practice of reading names for the weekly Kaddish.
Starting in January, I will no longer read the names of anyone other than those in the period of sh’loshim, the first month of mourning. Instead, I will ask anyone in attendance at services to rise and state the name of the loved one for whom they wish Kaddish to be said. After all the mourners have given the names, we will rise as a community and say Kaddish togeth-er, as we have always done.
There is nothing more powerful than naming the name of a loved one. I hope that by this practice the Kaddish will be a more meaningful, and a more healing, experience.